10/01/2003 - 10/31/2003

Wednesday, October 29, 2003
This week has passed quickly. Not much time for reflection, or meditation. I pray on the run. Today, I rested. Today, I read. I read until my eyes would not focus. A rare luxury. Usually time determines how long I have to read. But today, my only goal has been to read. I have two Sunday papers and “The Desire of the Everlasting Hills” to engage me. If I should finish these, I have a stack of near one hundred books to take their place. A migraine visited me at work yesterday. I stopped it as it gathered wind speed like a hurricane off of Florida’s coast. I doubled my meds. Unfortunately, I am left with a migraine hangover today. I ask myself why do I continually wait for an external force to make me slow down when simplicity is the goal of my life? I enjoyed and relished the pace of today. I let my mind wander freely. I remember when my children were small; I would let them ramble. Talking about whatever was on their minds. They took me to some interesting places. My mind ran barefoot today.
Posted by: CJ / 6:02 PM
Monday, October 20, 2003
I am weak. I sat down to meditate this morning. I had a rough go at it. My mind did not want to let go of my concerns and distractions. Whenever I am ill, going through hard times, going through joyful times; I find self-discipline a challenge. I am weak. My mind would not stay in one place. I was reminded of Rigel when we say "stay." At first he sits, rapt attention. Then his eyes starts to wander. Next his body starts to twitch. He starts to snort. His head moves from side to side. Now he has forgotten his command and resumes his normal activity of running around putting his nose up against people. My mind goes running up against every random thought.I surrender. After every random thought has passed through, I finally found stay. The utter silence when God shares his peace with me. He is a most patient Father.I wish I could be more self-disciplined and not let days, a week, pass between meditations. I am called to meditate, I look forward to it. Yet, I so easily let it slip past, like a whisper on the wind.
Posted by: CJ / 11:01 PM
Sunday, October 19, 2003
Family reunions, as a teenager, were a trial. My aunts seemed to talk of God, plants, and the weather. They didn't talk about current events, politics, or people. I used to sit, screaming inside, wondering how long they could discuss the differences between two rose species or what ladybugs like to eat. I loved them dearly, but I had no patience for what I thought was trivial.Each day I become more like them. I am reading the newspaper less and less. I do not even tune into my political blogs anymore. My children roll their eyes at me when I do not know the music groups they speak of, movies, actors, or current fashion. I ask Anne how her fish are doing, and I really care. Brad and I have favorite spots we visit in the North Cascades where we check on trees and plants we like. We like to see how they change with the seasons. We will sit and watch bugs go by. I am thrilled when a dragonfly goes by. Yes, I am my aunts. The change has brought contentment to my life.
Posted by: CJ / 3:46 PM
Friday, October 17, 2003
The Jesuits taught me the secrets of a grateful heart. I pray my thanks, not my needs. I still pray for others, but not for me. My life has increased tenfold. God, as it turns out, knows my needs better than I do. This past week I have been ill, which left me with down time to contemplate. Since thinking about being sick made me feel worse, I spent the time reflecting on my blessings. I have more than I will ever need for my lifetime. The obvious ones are ever present: Brad, family, friends, good health, Seattle. The blessing of work has usually been a double-edged sword. I am grateful for the income, but the frustrations have always made me dread going there. Muldoon was especially a challenge. Only my friends being there kept me showing up each day. When I was considering switching to a new position at Barnes & Noble, Brad told me something that has given me much to reflect on. He stated I seemed to enjoy going to work, so I might as well make a long-term commitment. I realized that even in my best jobs, a part of me felt weighted down. I didn’t feel joy in leaving home to report to work. Brad is correct; I enjoy leaving for work. I made the right decision. Or, I should say, God knew my needs better than I. In the back of my mind I thought I would return to academia and stay with B & N part time. Retail was a foreign world to me. Brad is correct; I have too much fun at work. I am amazed each day when I enter the building that I am getting paid to be there.The satisfaction I feel from work is not just from the customers, the books, or the job description. My joy comes from my fellow workers. They rock. I always knew they were wonderful, I just didn’t know they were awesome. They have all encouraged me in my new endeavor, supported me, helped me, and forgiven my mistakes. I am the best that I can be because of them. To them I give thanks. I am a better person because they are in my life.
Posted by: CJ / 4:11 PM
Thursday, October 16, 2003
I lived in Tucson when Barnes & Noble headed west. The town had not seen such a bookstore before; large selection, knowledgeable staff, classy interior, and a cafe. One could lounge while shopping. At first, the store had few customers, but word spread about the new bookstore in town. Brad and I used to stop in just to see what new books were in. Jessica felt grown up as the young reader selection was on bookshelves just like the adult section. She loved picking out a treasure to take home. We then moved to Alaska and, alas, no Barnes & Noble. We had to settle for cafe shops and department stores. One bright day, a Barnes & Noble store opened in mid town. A rush of adrenalin. Many of my acquaintances said, "What's the big deal?"I replied, "What and see."They soon understood. In a town with few indoor activities in winter, Barnes & Noble was an instant success. One could get a hot drink, meander the isles, run into friends, and watch the traffic bump along the icy street outside. Many groups held their meetings there because of the location and great customer service. Very quickly, B & N was the place to be. At Muldoon Elementary, I arranged book fairs for the parents. I worked with Cameron, the community guru guy at B & N. At the time, I thought he had a great job. He supported literacy and reading as I did. But he didn't have the ton of documentation that I had to do for grant funding. He only had the fun portion. At the time, I wondered how do I get a job like that?I also spent time taking students, one at a time, to B & N as a reward. They selected any book they wanted. Then we had drinks and treats in the cafe while we talked about books. Most of the children had never been to a bookstore before, even though B & N was only a few miles from the school. The look of awe on their faces was infectious.The look on one particular child's face has always stayed with me. She opened her book slowly, carefully; waiting for the fantasy to fly out and engulf her. She ceased to be with me. Her serence smile said it all.My principal, program director, and I spent time designing a reading foundation. Both the principal and I knew how to set up non-profits. We both were hooked on the thrill of putting books into children's hands. Books that could belong to them. They could touch the magic anytime they wanted. I moved to Seattle before I could do the background work. I still have the notes. I could say, maybe, someday, I might dust them off. I don't need them anymore. I put books in children's hands on a regular basis. I can promote reading for eight hours a day. Yes, somehow, I got my dream job.
Posted by: CJ / 11:35 PM
Friday, October 10, 2003
Young children live in the moment. I remember sitting on the floor, playing with blocks. Suddenly, my mother enters the room, kneels down beside me and grabs an arm. She stuffs my arm through the sleeve of a jacket and repeats the process with the other arm. She stands me up and buttons the front of the jacket. She picks me up and carries me out of the house. I hear her voice, but she is speaking to rapidly to understand. I look back at my blocks wishing for the enjoyment they were providing. I blink in the brightness of the outside. My mother is opening the car door to the backseat. She places me there, along with my little brother, and gets into the front seat. I hear the motor start and I feel the vibrations of the seat under my hand. I know we are moving because in the past when I have heard and felt these things I will sometimes get up onto my knees and look out the window and the car is moving along our street. Sometimes when I have been sitting for ages, I will peek out and see a street I have never seen before. Once I peeked out and the road was riding on water. I was hoping the wind did not blow the street away, as we would fall into the water. I always held my breath when riding on water. Other times, I saw busy streets filled with grown-ups rushing past each other. I knew we were very far from home.When the hum and vibrations from the motor stopped, my mother would get outside and let my little brother and I out of the car. She was very wise, as the door always opened for her, but not for me. She would briskly walk us into worlds unknown. Later I grew to know them as Pike Street market, Chinatown, now called the International District, and rest homes, where we visited people who talked as slowly as I did and liked to pat me on the head.My days at Barnes and Noble remind me of my childhood. I show up for work, never knowing what my schedule is or what I will be doing. I clock in, look at the schedule, and begin my day. Only then do I know if I will be manning the information booth, cashiering, covering music or café, or doing zone maintenance. This past year has been a good exercise in letting go of control. At my previous jobs, I set the goals and the action plan to achieving those goals. I knew what my daily schedule would be for weeks, even months in advance. I went home each night already planning the next day.I could not do this at Barnes & Noble. Someone else set my schedule and my goals. At first I had trouble coping with the unknown. But after a year, I have finally learned how to let go and have enjoyed not bringing my job home every night.Alas, this is about to change. I am switching jobs at Barnes & Noble. I am excited about learning new aspects of the company and I like the members of the team I will be working with. I want to contribute to the support they give the staff. I will be doing more homework, but I believe in the product. That story is for another day.
Posted by: CJ / 6:38 PM