I have lived long enough to have lost touch with friends. Moving often has allowed me to leave the past behind quickly and acquire new friends wherever I am. When I was younger I felt much lonliness and wanted friends, although I never seemed to acquire a wide circle of them. Through the years I have realized that I am a loner and my need for friendship was more of a need for self-acceptance than a need for friends. I now choose a few friends carefully and take a long time to know them. I like this about me as I value my alone time, alot.
Recently, Brad and I discussed the lifestyle we have had of pulling up roots every five years or so. We played the game of who do we wish we still had contact with; that we let slip away. Each of us had only one friend from the past we miss. Brad missed an old Coast Guard buddy, I missed a friend from my college days. I have thought of him often and prayed that he was safe.
One evening, using the wonderful vastness of the internet, I found my old friend. 27 years of wondering laid bare on the monitor screen. He is alive, well, and leading a fulfilling life. I took a chance last night and sent him an e-mail. I broke my rule of letting the past lie still. I remind myself that he may no longer want contact and the treasures of our friendship are enough. More than enough. Yet, this reaching out into the unknown, a willingness to be rejected, is new. I know I will accept whatever this action brings me and am gladdened that I do have self-acceptance now and will be fine with the future outcome. I like this quality I have acquired. 27 years ago would have found me taking it personally if a person did not want contact with me. I had not even realised this change within me. I wonder what the next 27 years will bring.
