My old posts from Myspace

I wanted to save some blog entries from Myspace and decided to leave them here.

Jan 18, 2008
I miss her giggle.
Current mood: nostalgic
Brad said he missed Jessica. I should miss her warmth. Hugging her is easy, her body always hugs back. I should miss her smile. Her whole face lights up. Always has. I should miss her rambles. She is a consummate conversationalist. But, no, it's her giggle I miss. The memory of it can warm me on a lonely night. I have been known to think of excuses to call her - just to hear that giggle. I don't have to say anything funny. Jessica cannot talk long without giggling. It is infectious, melodic - it is Jessica embracing life.


Dec 12, 2007
So sometimes I am not the brightest bulb on the tree.
Today is my day off. Brad made me stay home because he thought I was getting stressed out about Christmas. Okay, so maybe he was right. Anyway, I wanted to make some stew and his rank roast was still in the fridge, in my crockpot. He had promised to feed it to the critters. I decided to help him and cut it up to distribute to the forest creatures. I took the plate outside and noticed my one neighbor was not at home and it was pitch black. I suddenly felt alone, very alone. I dropped the meat near our front yard and scurried back inside. I explained this all to Brad when he called. He burst out loud laughing and said, "So, let me see, you went outside, at night, with meat in your hands." I think I have a ways to go in the Daniel Boone department. I am now safely inside with my electricity, walls, and locked door. I don't think bears know how to pick locks yet.

Dec 4, 2007
We are Home!
I am home after another "Woodinville has been declared a disaster zone" evening. Visions of last year are still dancing in my head. Brad and I went to work as usual, until the highway we were on, 522, came to a sudden halt. All of our recent rain had flooded Woodinville. A traffic jam did the rest of the damage. Woodinville had become an island.
I went to work, where for several hours we helped co-workers and customers find the secret route off of the island. Some co-workers spent 3 hours trying to get home. Some stayed with friends. We heard reports of a submerged truck and circling helicoptors. Matt walked Laura across the train tressle and down the hillside to meet her ride. He then found himself leading families out of Woodinville across the same route.
Brad had to go up to Wood-Duvall to Avondale to Redmond to get to Renton. He spent the evening helping clients find their way home and recording new flooding and outages. He told me the Govenor had declared Woodinville a disaster area.
We in Woodinville didn't need the Govenor to tell us the obvious.
I miss Jessica. She always came and picked me up on the nights I didn't know if Brad was coming to get me. I could always stay at her place and have a girl's night and find out what she had in her liquor cabinet. Always worth it.
Tonight, Brad came through and we made it home. Back to the snow and Payton Creek and Bridal Veil Stream so loud I thought our little valley was flooding. I am home.


Aug 16, 2007
Looking at the NW sky
Current mood:nostalgic
I have the next 3 days off. Today I am home. I am doing a little cleaning, a little sorting, and a lot of looking at Mt. Index. The sky is perfect: cloudy with threatening rain. Some Loreena McKinnett music and a little of my new drink makes for the perfect afternoon. I have discovered vodka with the liquor "Celtic Crossing" goes down smooth and one drink lasts hours.
I am waxing nostalgic as I am coming across stuff my kids owned, made, or loved. Makes me miss their laughter, off-beat jokes, and warm hugs.
I waited so many years for a little alone time and quiet. . . and I spend it missing them.

The Lady

She has been in my life since 2004. She first appeared in our home in Gold Bar. We were getting ready to move and I was sorting papers to throw away. A little picture of her appeared. I asked Brad, Cammy, and Jessi if this little picture belonged to them and they said no. I also asked if they had ever seen this picture before and they said no. I threw it away. A day later, I was sorting through a shoe box full of junk and there she was again. I threw her away. The third time she appeared I asked my family if they had taken her out of the trash and they assured me they had not. I threw her away. As I was arranging our belongings in the cabin, she appeared again. I remarked on how the chances of her appearing were above the probability of chance. Yes, I tossed her out again, but this time questions began running through my mind. If this is not chance, what is it? Were there four copies of her throughout our stuff? If this was outside of normal experience; what abnormal experience was it? I was a bit shaken and asked Brad where she could have come from. We agreed the paper was not from a picture, but more like the photos in the frames when you buy them.

She did not appear for a few years after that. In the Spring of 2009, I was sorting files in the spare room and remembered the Lady. I thought about how I had not seen her for a few years and wondered if She had stayed in the trash. I put the files on the desk and went to bed. The next morning, Brad went to work and I looked forward to finishing the spare room. I opened the door and there she was; on the floor in the middle of the room. No papers had slid off the desk, nothing was out of place. She had earned a place in our home. Whatever was the cause of her appearing, She needed to be acknowledged. I took her to a frame shop and picked out a nice frame for her. She sits in our living room and has not moved since.

People have offered explanations for her. One person said She was real and her spirit has returned to her picture. Another stated her appearance was pure chance, nothing more. One person looked at me as if I was crazy and had imagined it. Brad weighed in; it just didn't matter. He liked the picture and was fine with her in the living room. I realized I did not need an explanation to everything. Chaos is our acceptance of the unknown. She has only moved when the cats have knocked her over and I dust her frame now and again. I have been meaning to post this story about her for two years because She reminds me to accept occurances for what they are, without cause, without meaning. Sometimes it just is.

A postscript to the Lady happened about two weeks ago. Cammy asked me why I keep the picture around when we saw an old advertisement for a Barnes & Noble frame and she was in it. There, mystery solved. I told her we had always suspected that she came from an advertisement; that was not the mystery. Cammy thought we should get rid of her as we were trying to cut down on the clutter. I went on to work. When I came home I found her facing to the side. I asked if the cats had been near her. Cammy said no. I reached for her to face her out again and noticed she had a chip on the top of her picture. How did this happen when she has been encased in the frame since 2004? Chaos, She lives it.

The Magic is Returning

My life has always been filled with an inner tingle; a tingle that feels the magic in the air and the world around. I have always felt like the world was whispering a secret that other people could not hear or feel. This magic left me after Christmas and I feared I had finally grown up. I trudged along trying to be a normal person, but I missed the world tickling me. This last week, at Ocean Shores, the world beckoned me back. I could feel the tingling again. My magic world had returned. This part of me that is hard to explain to others is part of why I stretch up to try and touch the toes of mystics; to try and feel this magic all the time, not just when the world whispers to me. I laugh inside again, I am healed.

Old Friends

I have lived long enough to have lost touch with friends. Moving often has allowed me to leave the past behind quickly and acquire new friends wherever I am. When I was younger I felt much lonliness and wanted friends, although I never seemed to acquire a wide circle of them. Through the years I have realized that I am a loner and my need for friendship was more of a need for self-acceptance than a need for friends. I now choose a few friends carefully and take a long time to know them. I like this about me as I value my alone time, alot.



Recently, Brad and I discussed the lifestyle we have had of pulling up roots every five years or so. We played the game of who do we wish we still had contact with; that we let slip away. Each of us had only one friend from the past we miss. Brad missed an old Coast Guard buddy, I missed a friend from my college days. I have thought of him often and prayed that he was safe.



One evening, using the wonderful vastness of the internet, I found my old friend. 27 years of wondering laid bare on the monitor screen. He is alive, well, and leading a fulfilling life. I took a chance last night and sent him an e-mail. I broke my rule of letting the past lie still. I remind myself that he may no longer want contact and the treasures of our friendship are enough. More than enough. Yet, this reaching out into the unknown, a willingness to be rejected, is new. I know I will accept whatever this action brings me and am gladdened that I do have self-acceptance now and will be fine with the future outcome. I like this quality I have acquired. 27 years ago would have found me taking it personally if a person did not want contact with me. I had not even realised this change within me. I wonder what the next 27 years will bring.

Getting ready for Fun

I leave in a few hours for Ocean Shores on the Washington Coast. I will be traveling with Austin and my Mom and meeting up with my Aunt Mary. Some unstructured time is ahead of me. Instead of trying to find my inner child or inner saint, I am going to search for my inner dog. The one that likes to stick her head out of a moving car and feel the wind on her cheek. The one that can eat and drink on the run, no questions asked about where the food came from. The one that can run on the beach, and sit on the sidewalk. For just a few moments. Then off for a new distraction. I don't plan on meditating.

Here's the Proof

Brad and I enjoyed fish and chips at one of our favorite hangouts - the Lockspot. We have been going there for over 20 years and have never found a parking spot at the side. Oh, we have occasionally parked in the four spaces in front, but we usually park in the pay parking lot. Yesterday, we ruled! I took this picture knowing no one would believe me if I didn't. The Durango has been immortalized.

Me and Archie

A visit to Archie McPhee's <a http://archiemcpheeseattle.com"> . Just about the most fun one can have and spend under $5 dollars. Brad and I were on a pig quest and good quests end up at Archie's. I only wish Jessica had been there. She would have giggled with me, instead I had Brad who rolled his eyes a lot.